How to become earthly? I moved my chair to the spot in the garden where the sun was shining and watched the first flowers. I read the news, it was the first thing I did this morning. Sometimes I don’t, but I find it hard these days. Sometimes I don’t want to but I still do. There was computer work to do but I started cleaning the pond. I hadn’t done that in years and it had filled up with leaves and branches, slowly decomposing on the bottom, leaving less and less water which made it hard for water plants to survive and in turn for the invasion of tadpoles in spring to thrive. I thought I was in time to do it without disturbing the animals down there too much, the big frogs living there seemed to be somewhat annoyed when they found themselves on dry land inbetween dead dripping leaves but they were back in the water within seconds. I hadn’t counted on a big Alpine salamander though, and even less on a baby salamander. The females are pregnant for 2 years before they give birth to two young, sometimes three or four. Worried I might have scooped up another baby I went through the muddy pile twice. Enough cleaning for now, I don’t remember having seen a salamander in the wild here in the Netherlands since I was a child and maybe I wouldn’t see these guys again, living in the water mainly, but I would defenitely not disturb their habitat any more, knowing they were there.
Last Friday’s Becoming Earthly meeting dealt with the subjects of shame and play. I know how I relate to play, but shame? I feel guilt sometimes and I know you shouldn’t linger in it but do something about it, do things differently, apologise to somebody if necessary, sometimes just tell yourself you shouldn’t feel guilty. I often think about what Timothy Morton said in the video we were asked to watch before the first Becoming Earthly meeting. Stop feeling guilty. Shame is different though. But how exactly?
The internet gave me this: “Guilt is a feeling you get when you did something wrong, or perceived you did something wrong. Shame is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, and it may not be related to a specific behavior or event. When you feel guilty about the wrong thing you did, you can take steps to make up for it and put it behind you. But feeling shame, or being convinced that you are the thing that's wrong, offers no clear-cut way to "come back" to feeling more positive about yourself. That's one difference between shame and guilt.”
When I think about being ashamed I think about being an adolescent, about my early twenties, trying to figure out who I was, who I wanted to be. About keeping up appearances in the village where I grew up because that is what everybody did. About hiding your vulnerability, your being different, your personal thoughts and feelings. So many taboos, so many unspoken rules. Feeling ashamed when a part of me I was told, or more often, made felt I should be uncomfortable with, was visible to the people around me.
I think I overcame that. I do sometimes feel a sense of shame when I’ve done something that I might not have done in a different situation or mindset but I try to embrace it. I am not perfect, I don’t want to be perfect, I sometimes do things others don’t expect of me, things I don’t expect of myself. You can either be ashamed of it or rework your ego.
Can one be ashamed of humanity destroying the planet? I am not. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel bad about it, I feel bad about being part of it but I don’t feel shame. I just don’t feel it. I don’t know if you can really feel that for a collective you are part of or at least not for a collective that is so big and diverse and also includes people who do all they can to reverse it.
These days I hear people say they are ashamed of being Russian. I know what they mean, but I don’t think they should be. You shouldn’t be ashamed of being anything that in itself is not something bad. Putin should be ashamed. Unfortunately it is more often the people who should be ashamed that don’t feel shame, whereas people are being told to be ashamed or feel ashamed who shouldn’t.
Animals don’t feel shame.
Guilt is different. Days when I don’t feel guilty are good days. They are either days when I decide to take time for myself and manage to do that or days when I am so busy I don’t have the time to feel guilty about all the things I should do. (Whatever that means. Because I told myself I have to do them. Because I’ve taken something on I haven’t finished. Because I feel a resonsibilty for something that came on my path and I don’t know how to deal with it.) I feel guilty about not having written more about the Becoming Earthly process. But I also know I have been in it all the time.
Guilt can be useful when you do things differently afterwards. Or when you allow yourself to let go of it, accept you did the best you could under the circumstances or failed but have learned from it. Don’t apologise if you don’t mean to do it differently next time. Don’t feel guilty too long if next time you do the same thing. Just try again.
Maybe that is something, to do the best you can always. And accept it when it isn’t as good as you would have liked it to be. And have understanding for people who do things they maybe should have done differently, but weren’t able to under the circumstances.
Empathy. Be kind. To yourself and to others.
I am writing about Becoming Earthly now. And there will be more. But I won’t promise it will be tomorrow or even this week. I’ll embroider a question on my suit a few times a week though. It is al in there as well somehow.
Becoming Earthly is an online learning space for artists and organisations interested in developing practices that generate new ways of living on Earth, being aware of the critical zone of atmosphere and soil, (the ‘skin’ of the Earth) upon which all life is dependent. About last year’s programme: https://www.thebarnarts.co.uk/article/becoming-earthly-at-the-barn
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